matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
