Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Dear god my vagina.
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