Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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