If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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