im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
