My sheets look like a crime scene.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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