Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
