Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
