My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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