His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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