Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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