I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
