shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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