Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
