I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
