i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
