This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
