Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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