listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
