I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
