we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
