I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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