Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
