If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
