i think i have two assholes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
