6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
