I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
