If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
