my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
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She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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