i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
