Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
