Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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