How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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