you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.