Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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