Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
