Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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