I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
