She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
