Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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