I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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