i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
