Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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