using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
