i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
