If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
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take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
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I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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