Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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