And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
