I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
