True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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