Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
