I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
