Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
