the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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