Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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