it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
