pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just invented taco cereal.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
